The Republicans and Diet Coke: A Tragic Love Story

When something so bad makes them feel so good.

Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash

If you are as disgusted with 99% of the Republican Party in the US as I am, the January 6th hearings are our Super Bowl. I’ve been riveted to every move in the playbook, from the Cheney Chop to the Raskin Rattler, and have been cheering every point that lights up the scoreboard. Anyone equally obsessed is going to notice a few weird things along the way, like the fact that all of the women who testified live before the committee wore black, white, or some combination of the two. I’ve also noticed that Adam Kinzinger seems to be dealing with the stress of both the hearings and new parenthood by getting in the gym and is, at this point, testing the stretch properties of worsted wool in his now-undersized suit coats. However, the one detail that, in my uneducated opinion, reveals the true nature of the GOP is the ubiquitous presence of Diet Coke, a beverage that has been as much in decline in recent decades as the moral code of the entire political party.

By now, most of us are aware that Ex-President Cheeto is a Diet Coke fiend to the tune of twelve cans a day. We’ve all heard the story of the “Coke Button” that he had installed on his desk so that he could presumably stab a sweaty, ketchup-stinky digit at it when he needed a fix. No one even questioned the validity of his main criticism of Cassidy Hutchinson being that she was incapable of keeping the kitchen stocked with Diet Coke simply because it was on-brand. It appears that his grotesque habit rubbed off on other White House staffers if the videos from the January 6th testimonies are any indication. Judd Deere and Jason Miller both had either a bottle or cans of the stuff on the table in front of them while answering questions. Rudy Giuliani actually blamed Diet Coke for his erratic behavior on Election Eve in 2020, though it would have made more sense if he’d said he was huffing the drips of hair dye that were rolling off his head.

Seeing this got me thinking. Aside from the hearings, Diet Coke seems to pop up all over the Red side of the aisle. Underage Sex Enthusiast Matt Gaetz publicly declared his love for Diet Coke while touring a Florida bottling plant. Festering Lesion Ted Cruz loves to chug the stuff, probably while rooting for active shooters…