This Is Why Christmas Gifts Are Terrible

If it’s the thought that counts, keep it to yourself.

Photo by Clarke Sanders on Unsplash

For me, getting Christmas gifts is a little bit like getting an STD. I want to be near the person giving me the gift, but I don’t want to end up stuck with something that makes me feel terrible and needs to be gotten rid of as soon as possible.

With all apologies to the people who actually enjoy receiving home fragrance sprays from Bath and Body Works, I can’t be the only person who feels like this. I know that there are people like me who suffer from the highest levels of vicarious embarrassment just thinking about their would-be gifter picking out a sad sweater from the sale table at the Gap. Some of us would rather lick 9-volt batteries than unwrap whatever gift pack of Burt’s Bees lip balm was likely on the rack by the cash register at CVS. And I don’t care how useful a backlit 10x makeup mirror is, I didn’t need you to buy it for me because I only have room in my bathroom for my current quota of facial insecurities without additional magnification and lumens.

In my perfect world, the only gifts exchanged would be handmade or in the form of a donation to my favorite nonprofit. However, I know that most people are not out here crocheting earmuffs and preserving lemons. I live in Italy, not Avonlea. Sadly, instead of flower crowns, I’ve ended up with items that all serve the same terrible x-ray function, showing me all of the things I don’t want to see. Instead of socks, I get the dark night of the soul.

I didn’t always feel this way. When I was little, I loved getting Christmas gifts. Of course, that was back when kids wanted Cabbage Patch Dolls, not NFTs. It seemed so simple then–just write a list for Santa, hand it over to the responsible parent, and do your best to not be a brat until December 24th. Now, we’re all navigating a mix of consumerism, guilt, obligation, supply-chain issues, and ecological sustainability to the point where we can’t figure out what puts us on Santa’s shitlist, never mind how to get off it.

As usual, I am not afraid to exploit my personal experiences and serve up a steaming pile of schadenfreude. Therefore, the following is a list of the worst gifts I have ever received, not only for what they were but for what they were not.